Monday, April 20, 2009

frustrated mommy

Sunday was a very frustrating day with Charlie. The doctors decided that he could start to breastfeed two times a day and take one bottle. We thought this was a great step and progress was being made. Charlie had other plans though and decided that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with breastfeeding. He cried and fought during every attempt - - very frustrating! But then feeling frustrated seems so silly because after giving up on the breastfeeding for the day he took 26 cc's from the bottle and kept it all down! 

But it seems impossible not to become aggravated with the situation because it is supposed to be such a "natural" thing. Nothing about this has been "natural" by any means. I have exhausted myself pumping for 74 days now. And it drives me crazy when everyone quizzes me on how much I produce. First of all, I do not know what is normal or adequate. And second of all, it is never consistent. Then, people insist on asking, "Have you gotten that "let down" feeling??" No- I haven't. I am feeding a machine, not a baby and my body is not responding as nature intended! And then I just end up feeling like I am inadequate at this whole thing or that I am missing out on something or I worry that my body will not be able to keep up this pace and I am going to stop producing all together and then we would have to take a chance with starting Charlie on formula instead and hope that his stomach will handle it...  oy... Sorry for the rant, but I am frustrated... I am going to work with the lactation consultant today, so hopefully I will have a more positive update tonight!

Please continue to pray for Baby Kaden - he is continuing to make progress slowly, but surely! And please say a little prayer for Baby J, the third Crouse CDH baby that was born a few weeks ago. I overheard his mom saying yesterday that he has gotten an infection somehow. I have been told by the nurses that the little NICU boys are much slower than their girl counterparts, and from what I have seen, that seems to hold true (as Baby K was told she may be going home in a couple of weeks!)  :-)


Carrie Jo said...

Hang in there, Patty...and tell people that unless they are the consultant or a doctor, you won't discuss it with them. Sometimes you need that for your own sanity.

Chanda D Brady said...

I've just spent the last few hours reading your entire blog. What a trooper your Charlie is. I'm having a daughter, Ireland Rose, in about 17 more weeks and she has the same conditions of CDH that your son seems to have had / has. ....Wouldn't stress too much about the breastfeeding. Your son has come a long way and you'll be just fine. If all you can do is pump and bottle feed, great, he's getting nutition. If he must use formula, he will be just as fine, millions of babies and even adults are here to prove that.
You've been through tons, don't let this get to you.
Impressed by your family and your honesty. Chanda

Dee said...

seems when you have a baby everyone has advice...not many have been through the CDH process, you and Vince have become the experts, I'm sure you must feel like you could have another degree by now. Please don't let people get you down, you are amazing and loved by many, please call me if you need to talk or if you could use a Dee ya

Paula said...

Found your blog through a CDH trail of blogs. I have a 17 month old born with LCDH.

I agree with your other posters...don't let others get you down with the whole breastfeeding things. I've read other CDH mom blogs who have managed to breastfeed, but it did take awhile and some did not master it til well after they went home with their little ones.

Others don't get that there is nothing 'natural and normal' about having to pump for days or weeks before your little one even gets your milk. The pump is not as good as a baby at establishing and increasing a milk supply. Add in NICU stress and not so regular meals and it is no wonder our bodies don't perform as we'd like.

I pumped for 5 months and my son was always on a breastmilk and formula combo (he needed the extra calories). We did not attempt breastfeeding because he could not coordinate sucking/swallowing/breathing without the help of a thickener added to his bottle. I remember calling the nurse who ran a breastfeeding clinic when I was almost out of milk at the 5 month mark. I was in tears because I had no more milk to give and felt like I had failed my baby. She told me I should be proud that I made it as far as I did and that while breastfeeding is great things happen (like CDH) and it just doesn't work out. She told me as long as I was sure to give lots of snuggles at feeding time, my son would be just fine.

Wishing you well with feeds and recovery for your little one.