Confessions of a Dad to Be

No news yet. We are seeing signs that things are getting ready. Patty has also been having some braxton hicks, so we feel our time has almost come. What I do have to offer is a reflection of some sorts. No news, just my thoughts before the big day...read if you wish...

As the time approaches I can’t help but offer a reflection on what goes through a father’s mind before his baby enters the world. This is normally a time that is completely focused on the mother and as well it should be. A mother can do things that a father just cannot. A mother has just spent the last nine months showing strength and courage that only a mother can muster up.

Our story is slightly different than most but at the same time it is the same as those other stories. When we first found out that we were having a baby we were ecstatic and almost didn’t believe it. We had been trying to conceive for almost two years with no luck. We were so nervous that we would go out of our way to make sure Patty did nothing strenuous in fear that we would somehow become un-pregnant. With that came all the planning, dreaming, and fun in telling others that our lives we about to change forever. Everything appeared to take on a new spin. You could instantly say “this time next year we’ll be walking the baby around” or “bringing a baby to the grocery store with you.” This appears to only be done with a first child since the ones that follow are carried with a more of a been there done that attitude. But with this being our first it seamed fit to get all wrapped up in the excitement. I have always said that it is good to get excited about stuff. It is healthy. That is why we were put here. To enjoy everything that God has given us and to truly be excited for it. What could be more precious than caring for a child, be it from birth, adoption, or even just babysitting. At first I felt guilt that I was making the baby one of the most important things in my life. I was disappointed in myself for not doing more to help others. I felt self centered and selfish. After some soul searching and praying, I realized that I was supposed to make this child my focus. My wife and family are supposed to be my world. I knew that God had chosen me to be a husband and a father, and that I can be called to help others at the same time.

When we received news about halfway into our pregnancy that our baby had a serious defect it was like someone had just punched me in the stomach. The excitement and joy that had surrounded us for the past 20 weeks had just been violently murdered. It had been replaced by intense feelings of fear which led to sadness and anger. The time between our initial diagnosis and our official visit with the area specialist was only a week but it could have been a year. It was one of the saddest weeks in my life.

I have always been a very positive person. I don’t like negativity. I don’t like focusing on all the bad things that life brings. I couldn’t help but fall into that trap. It wasn’t until we started sharing the news with others that I took ownership of it and started to turn things around. There was point where I decided that there was not going to be one more negative thought. Not one more ounce of doubt. Every part of me was going to be dedicated to positive thinking and taking care of my growing family. There was no room for fear or sadness. Sure, some days are harder than others, but from that point on there was to be no more negativity.

With that change of mind and spirit it was as if everything exciting had been let back in. Now it may sound crazy, but I could argue that having a baby born with CDH is one of the best things to ever happen to me. Regardless of the outcome, I have been changed, and I feel for the better. We will never take this baby for granted. We skipped that mode. We are already fighting for him or her. I have learned just how fast time does fly and that Gumdrop will be graduating from high school before I know if I am not careful. To let me know that she was pregnant Patty gave me a Willow Tree figurine of a pregnant woman. The name of the figure is Cherish. I have learned that you should cherish every day. You never know what is around the corner. The things in life that are really important have been made crystal clear to me. Love is so much stronger than anger and hatred, but it is sometimes much harder to spread. This journey has also brought me closer to Patty. I am convinced that we are closer because of the struggles we have gone through together.

It has also strengthened my relationship with God. I am not one to be holier than thou or push faith on others, but it has become evident just how much we need our Lord in our everyday lives. I have never prayed more or harder than I have in the past few months. It is amazing how the Lord works and I truly believe that I was intended to travel this path.

I wish everyone could go through this experience. Of course I do not wish CDH or any other disease on anyone especially a child. But I wish that everyone could have the life changing experience that I have had. I hope and pray that you take your struggles and hardships and turn then into ways to grow and triumph. Choose the power of positive thinking and love whenever you can. If you have figured this out already, I am slow and needed this to wake me up. If you have children or young people in your family, kiss them and hug them and cherish every moment. They are truly an extension of God’s love here on Earth.

Thank you again for the prayers and positive comments. We are so blessed. It won’t be long now!

Nursery Pictures

I was looking for something to do to keep myself busy for a little while, so I thought I would post the nursery pictures that I promised months ago!

Here is the room before we got started. You can see the table cloth that doubled as curtains for awhile. And it looks like the room is in the middle of being done because that is how the previous owners left it.





Here is the fabulous faux finished/textured wall that the previous owners also left us with. It was not really the whole wall, just a big chunk of it. It had plaster rolled out with what we think was a roller wrapped in paper towels. It was quite the mess to try to fix, as you can see from the picture of Vince after sanding it down. Luckily he listened to me when I told him he should wear a mask while working!




Vince put in a new overhead light. There was no overhead lighting before, but he used the wall outlet to put one in and attach it to the light switch by the door.




I made the painting process more complicated by asking for multiple colors. Vince took a lot of time and energy trying to get the lines perfectly straight and our friend Bridget came over to help him with the painting itself.




When the painting was done we tackled putting the crib together.





Within 5 minutes of getting the crib complete with bedding so that we could see the final product, we returned to the nursery to find...



We are still working on breaking Chester of this bad habit.

Here is the final product once everything was put in. We are really happy with how it came out. Vince did a great job! (All is did was stamp stars on the white stripe - I cannot take much credit other than that!)

the countdown continues...

I went to the doctor's this morning and everything looks good. Gumdrop was a little sleepy and did not move around as much as the nurse would have liked while we were hooked up to the monitor, but the PA was okay with the readings she saw. The amniotic fluid levels were right in the normal range. (They were a little high last week - which could be attributed to the diabetes or the CDH.) Heart rate was good. Blood pressure has been great - a huge relief every time they take it since I have had problems with my BP before and have been fearing more complications with it since we got pregnant. So we are just going to sit back, relax, and wait for next week's appointment.

My maternity leave officially began Friday afternoon. It was a little bittersweet knowing that I would not be back, but a huge relief as well. It has been exhausting keeping up with middle school kids all day. I was not able to meet with my sub before going out, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that it is all working out okay for him! I have not heard any horror stories yet.

Vince has been sick with a pretty nasty cold the past few days. So, I have been pumping myself up with vitamin C and praying that he gets over it before we go into labor. There are no obvious signs that labor is on the way, so hopefully it will stay that way for a little while longer. The monitor did pick up from random contractions today at my appointment, but nothing that I could feel.

So, the theme is that we are just waiting - and I am okay with waiting for now. I really am not horribly uncomfortable, so I don't mind incubating this baby for a while longer. More time = more lung development! We will keep you updated if there are any changes along the way!

Keepin' the faith

We are feeling pretty good! We can feel all the prayers and positive vibes. Our Choices West appointment went well today. Good sonogram results, although we were told that Gumdrop's head is larger than normal! Still within a good range though. Estimated weight is over 7 lbs now, but mom has lost another three pounds. We were able to do our first non-stress test. That was actually pretty fun, getting Gumdrop all riled up just to monitor the heart rate to ensure that he/she is strong enough for the labor journey. Other than that just the basics on getting ready for whenever Gumdrop decides that it time to meet us face to face. We can't wait.

Other news includes a study that we taking part in. We have decided to take part in a Harvard University / Boston Children's Hospital research program on CDH babies. We stumbled upon it though another CDH blog and after looking into it, we agreed that we wanted to help. The research is looking into genetic markers that might help identify CDH. The way we understand, is that if they can determine what genes hold the instructions for forming the diaphragm and better lung development, they may be able to develop drugs or treatments to fill in the missing instructions in CDH babies. Although the results will not be ready before February 4th, maybe future parents will be saved some stress if a treatment is developed.

That's about it for now. We are taking the next couple of weeks pretty slow. Just taking in the last of our peaceful time and trying to prepare mentally as much as possible. Thank you all for your supportive comments, prayers, and just for thinking of us. You had much to do we are sure, but you decided to read this blog and we appreciate your support.

the belly

I wanted to send out a picture of the belly to all who have not seen it in awhile. It seems to keep getting bigger! We are getting close now though. Friday is my last day of work and our due date is just over two weeks away! I would not describe my feelings as excited quite yet... hopefully that feeling will come! Overall, I am feeling pretty well. I get tired easily, but I am not overly uncomfortable. I guess I am lucky when it comes to that! We will keep you updated as things come along!

false alarm!

I wanted to take a minute to share a funny story. Wednesday night SU played Georgetown. This was a "big game" and Vince was hyped up for it. When game time arrived at 7:30 Vince sent out a text to a few people stating "Here we go!" He immediately received a response from Jon asking if he was referring to SU or labor. Vince laughed it off and clarified the message for Jon and went on with listening to SU lose miserably.

At about 10pm our cell phones both rang simultaneously. Our friend Monica was calling my phone demanding to know what was going on and if I was okay. Bridget was calling Vince's phone because Monica had already made multiple calls to other people trying to decipher the text message she received. Vince had assumed Monica would have been home watching the game with her husband, but this was obviously not the case and the message sent her into a tailspin. After calming everyone's nerves and promising that the actual announcement of labor starting would be much clearer, I had a good laugh over it!

It is good to know that our friends are ready to spring into action when the time comes! We are holding out for at least a couple more weeks though! :-)

Our Big Day of Doctor Visits

So Wednesday we a full day spent downtown visiting various doctors and getting a tour of the NICU. First we met with one of the best pediatric surgeons in the area. He was very informative and gave us great confidence that Gumdrop is in good hands. It appeared that he thought that he had the easy job. He made it sound like the surgery itself was very straightforward. That it was the NICU that has the hard job.

So that was our second stop after a quick walk around the hospital to get our bearings and a bite to eat at the cafeteria. This was by far the toughest part of our day. We have been waiting a long time to meet with a neonatologist and she was able to answer many of the questions that we have had, even if they were not the answers that we wanted to hear. She explained all the different treatments they have available and all the possible scenarios for CDH babies. Some scenarios are worse than others as you can imagine. But the hardest news was that we are most likely not going to be able to have a moment to hold our child after birth. She wants to immediately take the baby, put it on a ventilator, and move the baby to the NICU which is on a different floor from the birthing floor. We had convinced ourselves that this was going to be possible. Who know, each baby is different and Gumdrop is a fighter…well at least a kicker!

The tour of the NICU made everything real. It is an amazing place, but one that I hope no one has to visit. They are amazing people and take the sickest and smallest babies and get them through their earliest days. I am sure we will have our tough days and our good days. Regardless we will just take one day at a time.

Our final visit was to the area Perinatal Center. This was our last visit there! And the sonogram looked great. Growth was right on target, with an estimated weight of 5 lbs 12 oz. According to one of the books we have the baby should grow about a half pound each week from here on out. The lung to head ratio was the highest that it as been at 2.99. This all points to, in there words “a more favorable outcome.” They also said that the closer we can make it to our due date of February 4th the better our chances for a positive outcome.

We ended yesterday feeling tired, scared, and more anxious. We were looking forward to a healing mass tonight at our church, but because of the weather it was cancelled, although we didn’t know that until we drove there only to find the church locked :-(

So our bags are packed, we have a bunch of snacks to bring and we are getting things ready for others to take care of our dog and two cats for a few days. Mom is feeling well...but in a word…big. It is hard to get up after sitting on the couch or in bed, but it is great to feel Gumdrop playing inside :-)

We can’t thank you all enough for your prayers and continued support that just keeps finding us everyday.